Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
Sunday, July 27, 2003
meanwhile...
this has been a week; the sweetness of communion with catherine mccammon, the disorientating experience of being ill, the hours spent sleeping and catching up with myself. i've got a while to go, i think. still, siestas in the afternoon are indeed the way forward. the weight has lifted and i think i've just about convinced myself that i do not have to sit any more exams, or write anything specific unless i so desire.
it's completely odd. i have been learning to drive, too, which is freeing and frightening in each breath. and yesterday, i sang fragments from the latest daniel bedingfield single. all day. i drove myself crazy after a while. as we were driving to my grandma's house i was thinking about how it used to be...sifting through my memories and experiences, trying to find reason in the chaos.
i didn't find reason but i saw a rainbow over belfast, and it seemed we were driving towards the pot of gold at its end. i remembered how the first view of stormont in the evening sunlight would make me catch my breath, and i'd think i'm going to work there one day. and who knows, that one day might prove accurate in the dim and distant future. for now, though, i am content to watch the sea be a different colour every day. content to sleep, and dream of weddings and moving and the great j.o.b. hunt.
time will tell, and i will enjoy the everydays.
this has been a week; the sweetness of communion with catherine mccammon, the disorientating experience of being ill, the hours spent sleeping and catching up with myself. i've got a while to go, i think. still, siestas in the afternoon are indeed the way forward. the weight has lifted and i think i've just about convinced myself that i do not have to sit any more exams, or write anything specific unless i so desire.
it's completely odd. i have been learning to drive, too, which is freeing and frightening in each breath. and yesterday, i sang fragments from the latest daniel bedingfield single. all day. i drove myself crazy after a while. as we were driving to my grandma's house i was thinking about how it used to be...sifting through my memories and experiences, trying to find reason in the chaos.
i didn't find reason but i saw a rainbow over belfast, and it seemed we were driving towards the pot of gold at its end. i remembered how the first view of stormont in the evening sunlight would make me catch my breath, and i'd think i'm going to work there one day. and who knows, that one day might prove accurate in the dim and distant future. for now, though, i am content to watch the sea be a different colour every day. content to sleep, and dream of weddings and moving and the great j.o.b. hunt.
time will tell, and i will enjoy the everydays.
Monday, July 21, 2003
aaaaargh
nothing is working...
i hate the internet, but i love it but i hate it but i love it.
dammit.
nothing is working...
i hate the internet, but i love it but i hate it but i love it.
dammit.
back to the drawing board...
somehow, and don't ask me how, half my template got deleted...so, in a desperate need to re-publish, i chose a new template. i'm still traumatised. bear with me until i get my links, and my comments, and my fingerprint on said faceless template.
i'm going to have a strong drink now...and maybe upgrade to blogger pro. at least then i could have got some technical support...
brianne, i need you to work your html magic...
and don't get me started on the fact my archives have disappeared. or that i can't republish everything. or that the three people i know who can speak html are in north america, central america, and thailand respectively. much tsk-age...
somehow, and don't ask me how, half my template got deleted...so, in a desperate need to re-publish, i chose a new template. i'm still traumatised. bear with me until i get my links, and my comments, and my fingerprint on said faceless template.
i'm going to have a strong drink now...and maybe upgrade to blogger pro. at least then i could have got some technical support...
brianne, i need you to work your html magic...
and don't get me started on the fact my archives have disappeared. or that i can't republish everything. or that the three people i know who can speak html are in north america, central america, and thailand respectively. much tsk-age...
the littlest birds sing the prettiest songs...
this weekend has been playing catch-up...sleep and family and church. there have been a lot of new haircuts and new plans; we sat in springsteens until closing time and swapped stories and news, and things-we-might-one-day-want-to-do, should the time be right. we're all tempted to buy justified; rachael already owns it and it comes highly recommended. everyone is growing up, stepping out in faith, spreading their wings. it's the oddest thing, coming back.
this weekend has been playing catch-up...sleep and family and church. there have been a lot of new haircuts and new plans; we sat in springsteens until closing time and swapped stories and news, and things-we-might-one-day-want-to-do, should the time be right. we're all tempted to buy justified; rachael already owns it and it comes highly recommended. everyone is growing up, stepping out in faith, spreading their wings. it's the oddest thing, coming back.
Sunday, July 20, 2003
i can't tell the sky from my shoes.
it struck me, as i was drifting to sleep last night, that i always try to make things more complicated than they really are. this summer needs to be about more than me chilling out. uni needed to be about more than me just finding wings. conversations and laughter are more complicated than you think.
or maybe that's just my perception of reality. still, i've been striving for a year. to achieve. to make myself worth something. to hear God. last night i was filling my prayers with noise and chatter and three clear words emerged: the clearest for a long time.
rest in Me. and so i am resting, reading the psalms and emailing, watching daytime tv and not feeling guilty for having no plans. news travels fast in carrickfergus: new zealand and sarah's wedding and my degree. everybody knows, it seems. but that's okay, this is home, even for a while, and i know i don't have to stay here indefinitely. i know where i am from; i know my roots and i'm beginning to learn about the family skeletons. still, i am happier in the truth that i do not have to do things the same way as they have always been done. i do not have to conform, nor do i want to. sometimes, late at night, i question my decisions. ultimately i know, however, that they are mine to make. mine is the bed to lie in, should anything go awry. if i was american i would be sitting on the porch drinking in that which is going on around me...this being northern ireland i will sit in the garden and watch the clouds on the breeze, appreciate all the details i have missed doing my finals, and dream.
last night i dreamed of colombia...last minute-rushing-forgetting-my-mobile-leaving-the-flat-door-unlocked-and-losing-my-luggage. amy and brianne remembered my passport: perhaps they are not so blonde after all. well, in my dreams at any rate. days and nights go by; it's ok soothes me and becomes my lullaby.
sweet dreams.
it struck me, as i was drifting to sleep last night, that i always try to make things more complicated than they really are. this summer needs to be about more than me chilling out. uni needed to be about more than me just finding wings. conversations and laughter are more complicated than you think.
or maybe that's just my perception of reality. still, i've been striving for a year. to achieve. to make myself worth something. to hear God. last night i was filling my prayers with noise and chatter and three clear words emerged: the clearest for a long time.
rest in Me. and so i am resting, reading the psalms and emailing, watching daytime tv and not feeling guilty for having no plans. news travels fast in carrickfergus: new zealand and sarah's wedding and my degree. everybody knows, it seems. but that's okay, this is home, even for a while, and i know i don't have to stay here indefinitely. i know where i am from; i know my roots and i'm beginning to learn about the family skeletons. still, i am happier in the truth that i do not have to do things the same way as they have always been done. i do not have to conform, nor do i want to. sometimes, late at night, i question my decisions. ultimately i know, however, that they are mine to make. mine is the bed to lie in, should anything go awry. if i was american i would be sitting on the porch drinking in that which is going on around me...this being northern ireland i will sit in the garden and watch the clouds on the breeze, appreciate all the details i have missed doing my finals, and dream.
last night i dreamed of colombia...last minute-rushing-forgetting-my-mobile-leaving-the-flat-door-unlocked-and-losing-my-luggage. amy and brianne remembered my passport: perhaps they are not so blonde after all. well, in my dreams at any rate. days and nights go by; it's ok soothes me and becomes my lullaby.
sweet dreams.
Friday, July 18, 2003
the amazing adventures of...
so the days go by, each a distinctive blur of sleeping and eating and walking by the sea. they are developing their own slow rhythm, like a lullaby sung quietly at night. summer is feeling like a half-written song, so far, but something tells me hindsight will finish it. after so many words lately i'm content just to look, to lie on sofas and observe, to sit on beaches and watch the sun go down.
in the mean time, check out the amazing adventures of king louie...paul buttery is the man responsible, so keep an eye out: king louie in a place near you soon...
(i made a new link too)
so the days go by, each a distinctive blur of sleeping and eating and walking by the sea. they are developing their own slow rhythm, like a lullaby sung quietly at night. summer is feeling like a half-written song, so far, but something tells me hindsight will finish it. after so many words lately i'm content just to look, to lie on sofas and observe, to sit on beaches and watch the sun go down.
in the mean time, check out the amazing adventures of king louie...paul buttery is the man responsible, so keep an eye out: king louie in a place near you soon...
(i made a new link too)
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
as the sun goes down
brianne has been commenting left right and the proverbial centre from her travels on the other side of the world.
sometimes, i am baffled by how big the world is and how unending the world wide web seems. but then i am just an irish girl from a small town amazed by the big big world.
andy, if you are singing amelia right now, i will be forced to confiscate any or all of your aimee mann cds. and 10,000 maniacs. and rage against the machine.
however. there is a counting crows lyric that reads "never just an ordinary girl"...i may be crazy but i'm not ordinary.
brianne has been commenting left right and the proverbial centre from her travels on the other side of the world.
sometimes, i am baffled by how big the world is and how unending the world wide web seems. but then i am just an irish girl from a small town amazed by the big big world.
andy, if you are singing amelia right now, i will be forced to confiscate any or all of your aimee mann cds. and 10,000 maniacs. and rage against the machine.
however. there is a counting crows lyric that reads "never just an ordinary girl"...i may be crazy but i'm not ordinary.
siesta
today it is so hot it's hard not to sleep. van morrison is playing on the stereo downstairs, and i'm just beginning wake up. lately i have dreamed, of running and prisons and escape plans gone wrong. kiefer sutherland's arm got cut off too, but i'm pretty sure he managed to save the world from sure-fire disaster. when i wake up, though, i am as tired as though i did the running and the escaping myself. getting out of bed is getting harder, and i cannot remember the details of my dreams. themes, and feelings, and even movie stills, sometimes. but not the dreams themselves. it's vaguely unsettling; days go long and nothing gets done. and i have to keep reminding myself: there is nothing pressing to do. i can drink coffee and watch er and neighbours and not have to re-write my dissertation.
graduation hasn't sunk in yet. so i have walked by the sea and replayed the past few weeks in an effort to make sense of the details. i'm finding it an easier option not to think; life is slower, and i have more time, but little inclination to analyse. this is a great thing...
i am walking by the sea, flip flops off and trousers rolled up to the knee. the sun is making a graceful exit behind the hills of islandmagee and tinting the twilight pink. my camera isn't doing any kind of justice; i'm taking photos in my mind but i'm not sure how long they'll last for. still. i have dreamed of this, this walking on the cool sand and dipping my feet in the shallows and this salt on the breeze. catherine and me are talking about new zealand; we are dreaming of the pacific ocean and the fjords and feeling free. i wish brianne was here to talk to me about what the dreams i have at night mean: it's the the little things i want to say to her, and to amy [there was an elvis presley flim on tv yesterday called clambake] that make me miss them all the more...central america is a long way away.
maybe they don't mean anything. maybe they do.
in any case, it's either coffee or sleep.
today it is so hot it's hard not to sleep. van morrison is playing on the stereo downstairs, and i'm just beginning wake up. lately i have dreamed, of running and prisons and escape plans gone wrong. kiefer sutherland's arm got cut off too, but i'm pretty sure he managed to save the world from sure-fire disaster. when i wake up, though, i am as tired as though i did the running and the escaping myself. getting out of bed is getting harder, and i cannot remember the details of my dreams. themes, and feelings, and even movie stills, sometimes. but not the dreams themselves. it's vaguely unsettling; days go long and nothing gets done. and i have to keep reminding myself: there is nothing pressing to do. i can drink coffee and watch er and neighbours and not have to re-write my dissertation.
graduation hasn't sunk in yet. so i have walked by the sea and replayed the past few weeks in an effort to make sense of the details. i'm finding it an easier option not to think; life is slower, and i have more time, but little inclination to analyse. this is a great thing...
i am walking by the sea, flip flops off and trousers rolled up to the knee. the sun is making a graceful exit behind the hills of islandmagee and tinting the twilight pink. my camera isn't doing any kind of justice; i'm taking photos in my mind but i'm not sure how long they'll last for. still. i have dreamed of this, this walking on the cool sand and dipping my feet in the shallows and this salt on the breeze. catherine and me are talking about new zealand; we are dreaming of the pacific ocean and the fjords and feeling free. i wish brianne was here to talk to me about what the dreams i have at night mean: it's the the little things i want to say to her, and to amy [there was an elvis presley flim on tv yesterday called clambake] that make me miss them all the more...central america is a long way away.
maybe they don't mean anything. maybe they do.
in any case, it's either coffee or sleep.
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