Monday, March 31, 2003
(i dreamed i saw the bomber jet planes)
and people in iraq are not dreaming it. coalition soldiers are not dreaming it. politicians keep talking spin and i wonder how they can possibly view any life as collateral damage...would they want their sons and brothers and husbands (and wives and daughters) to be seen in this way? if politicians were caught in the crossfire, would they be so quick to make life-ending and life-changing decisions?
you wonder. i dream. our lives continue largely unfazed. we sing ourselves lullabies and we sleep easy at night. i wonder who i am most angry at...warmongers or politicians or oil-hungry countries or america or spindoctors or "we", "us", the comfortable middle class masses...angry at our apathy and our selfishness and our lack of concern...our greed. our blindness to our own riches. how greedy we are...how stupid we can be...am i angry at myself for feeling so helpless?
i have a fridge, and therefore i belong to the richest eight per cent of the world. i have a bank account, and therefore i belong to the richest four per cent of the world. i do not sleep well knowing these things. knowing that as consumers we consume too much. knowing that more people live on less than a dollar a day than i can possibly imagine. knowing that right now i can do so little.
can anybody stop this thing?
we're still living inside a bubble. maybe someday we'll learn to rage against the dying of the light.
and people in iraq are not dreaming it. coalition soldiers are not dreaming it. politicians keep talking spin and i wonder how they can possibly view any life as collateral damage...would they want their sons and brothers and husbands (and wives and daughters) to be seen in this way? if politicians were caught in the crossfire, would they be so quick to make life-ending and life-changing decisions?
you wonder. i dream. our lives continue largely unfazed. we sing ourselves lullabies and we sleep easy at night. i wonder who i am most angry at...warmongers or politicians or oil-hungry countries or america or spindoctors or "we", "us", the comfortable middle class masses...angry at our apathy and our selfishness and our lack of concern...our greed. our blindness to our own riches. how greedy we are...how stupid we can be...am i angry at myself for feeling so helpless?
i have a fridge, and therefore i belong to the richest eight per cent of the world. i have a bank account, and therefore i belong to the richest four per cent of the world. i do not sleep well knowing these things. knowing that as consumers we consume too much. knowing that more people live on less than a dollar a day than i can possibly imagine. knowing that right now i can do so little.
can anybody stop this thing?
we're still living inside a bubble. maybe someday we'll learn to rage against the dying of the light.
Sunday, March 30, 2003
(the thing that matters)
is...a marvel beyond us. and today, the radio tells me more about the world. and i'm seriously thinking i'm not sure i want to know any more...i'm not sure...i'm not sure.
how much can we ever know?
how sure are you...of yourself...of where you are...of where you are going? i had great conversations today...with my mum [it's okay, God has the future under control] with my flatmates [relationships are scary but you grow and you learn and you are changed.]...and then the news which filled me with sadness and anger and confusion made me wonder about perspective...
it's back to the map again...me at the centre. my world being most important. when will i ever learn to live in God?
i'm just not sure.
is...a marvel beyond us. and today, the radio tells me more about the world. and i'm seriously thinking i'm not sure i want to know any more...i'm not sure...i'm not sure.
how much can we ever know?
how sure are you...of yourself...of where you are...of where you are going? i had great conversations today...with my mum [it's okay, God has the future under control] with my flatmates [relationships are scary but you grow and you learn and you are changed.]...and then the news which filled me with sadness and anger and confusion made me wonder about perspective...
it's back to the map again...me at the centre. my world being most important. when will i ever learn to live in God?
i'm just not sure.
Saturday, March 29, 2003
(i hear the sound of the ticking of clocks)
...andy has reliably informed me that we lose an hour tomorrow. "oh" i say, thinking i could really do with an extra hour to make up for the ones already lost to me.
then again, a fair few of those hours i wasted all by my little self, with the help of amazon and word whomp and any book at all...however. time. what do we do with time? or is it never ours in the first place? it seems to not be slowing down, whatever the case. maybe it means you get older and time speeds up...or maybe your perception of time changes and you begin to see everything differently. i heard james taylor on the radio tonight and it brought memories flooding back...memories i had forgotten i had...and bob harris kicked off his show with the lemonheads "into your arms" and i remembered feet first...i remembered late nights and early mornings and oasis being the call to the morning meeting...i remember the funky chicken and re-enacting dramas at the top of our voices down by the castle...i remember being fourteen and wishing i was old enough to do what i wanted...i remember crying in the church because i believed i was unlovely and unlovable...i remember learning
not by might...not by power...but by My spirit says the Lord...
i remember. an awakening. summer evenings and late night conversations in the kitchen. going home and falling asleep on the sofa...the brown jumper i wore with everything. dm boots and long skirts and jagged little pill...i remember counting calories for the next two years and i do not remember being happy while i did so...
memories...happy/sad. joyful/weary. but through it all...growth and learning and getting to be happy as me.
...andy has reliably informed me that we lose an hour tomorrow. "oh" i say, thinking i could really do with an extra hour to make up for the ones already lost to me.
then again, a fair few of those hours i wasted all by my little self, with the help of amazon and word whomp and any book at all...however. time. what do we do with time? or is it never ours in the first place? it seems to not be slowing down, whatever the case. maybe it means you get older and time speeds up...or maybe your perception of time changes and you begin to see everything differently. i heard james taylor on the radio tonight and it brought memories flooding back...memories i had forgotten i had...and bob harris kicked off his show with the lemonheads "into your arms" and i remembered feet first...i remembered late nights and early mornings and oasis being the call to the morning meeting...i remember the funky chicken and re-enacting dramas at the top of our voices down by the castle...i remember being fourteen and wishing i was old enough to do what i wanted...i remember crying in the church because i believed i was unlovely and unlovable...i remember learning
not by might...not by power...but by My spirit says the Lord...
i remember. an awakening. summer evenings and late night conversations in the kitchen. going home and falling asleep on the sofa...the brown jumper i wore with everything. dm boots and long skirts and jagged little pill...i remember counting calories for the next two years and i do not remember being happy while i did so...
memories...happy/sad. joyful/weary. but through it all...growth and learning and getting to be happy as me.
(the onion family)
today, we planted onions. a family of four, to be exact. they now live under a tree outside hawthorns w block in keele, and if you are ever in the area, please stop and visit...
and outside our small borders...the world seems to be hanging together by fraying threads...more people die everyday...in iraq...in africa...while no-one seems to notice. i wonder how we sleep at night. do we sing ourselves lullabies absolving ourselves of responsibility? i think we are remarkably melodic: perhaps we have more practice than most other nations. still, we have convinced ourselves that we are okay. and i guess that counts more than anything else. doesn't it?
today, we planted onions...
drank coffee.
laughed a lot.
communion with each other. and i wonder...what each future will hold...i wonder how each of us will change the world.
today, we planted onions. a family of four, to be exact. they now live under a tree outside hawthorns w block in keele, and if you are ever in the area, please stop and visit...
and outside our small borders...the world seems to be hanging together by fraying threads...more people die everyday...in iraq...in africa...while no-one seems to notice. i wonder how we sleep at night. do we sing ourselves lullabies absolving ourselves of responsibility? i think we are remarkably melodic: perhaps we have more practice than most other nations. still, we have convinced ourselves that we are okay. and i guess that counts more than anything else. doesn't it?
today, we planted onions...
drank coffee.
laughed a lot.
communion with each other. and i wonder...what each future will hold...i wonder how each of us will change the world.
Friday, March 28, 2003
(my last essay)
and how i long to get this finished. i'm going to learn to love it...all about attitude. but i was thinking earlier how much i will miss being a student...being able to stay up all night if the occasion calls for it...shopping in the middle of the day...daytime neighbours...diagnosis murder...staying in my pajamas til lunchtime if i feel like it...how i know, after three years, where all the books i'm likely to need are...and watching the freshers mismanage the periodical shelves...walking onto campus early in the morning...seeing union square filled with people on sunny days...being able to take long weekends and travelling up and down england on trains...going home for four months in the summer...i will even miss learning.
still....
change will come, and it will bring with it untold wonders. seasons and tiliting sunlight and music.
and how i long to get this finished. i'm going to learn to love it...all about attitude. but i was thinking earlier how much i will miss being a student...being able to stay up all night if the occasion calls for it...shopping in the middle of the day...daytime neighbours...diagnosis murder...staying in my pajamas til lunchtime if i feel like it...how i know, after three years, where all the books i'm likely to need are...and watching the freshers mismanage the periodical shelves...walking onto campus early in the morning...seeing union square filled with people on sunny days...being able to take long weekends and travelling up and down england on trains...going home for four months in the summer...i will even miss learning.
still....
change will come, and it will bring with it untold wonders. seasons and tiliting sunlight and music.
Thursday, March 27, 2003
(but then again...)
seal once sang that "you're never going to survive unless you get a little crazy".
so i guess a lot crazy counts too.
seal once sang that "you're never going to survive unless you get a little crazy".
so i guess a lot crazy counts too.
(hark...the herald angels sing)
today, i am listening to christmas music with a bizarre sense of timing.
but then, it should really be christmas everyday. emmanuel. GOD [not an emotion, a stir within us, but a power, a marvel beyond us, tearing the world apart...] with us. in reality. the word became flesh and made his dwelling place among us.
a testimony of grace...
gloria in excelsis deo.
and yes, i agree. i think i've gone crazy too.
today, i am listening to christmas music with a bizarre sense of timing.
but then, it should really be christmas everyday. emmanuel. GOD [not an emotion, a stir within us, but a power, a marvel beyond us, tearing the world apart...] with us. in reality. the word became flesh and made his dwelling place among us.
a testimony of grace...
gloria in excelsis deo.
and yes, i agree. i think i've gone crazy too.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
(i wasn't born to follow)
norman jones looked at me tonight and said "be the best at what you do...be exceptional". he said...grab leadership with both hands and prioritise God before anything else.
and so i will...to my utmost.
norman jones looked at me tonight and said "be the best at what you do...be exceptional". he said...grab leadership with both hands and prioritise God before anything else.
and so i will...to my utmost.
(i've got the wandering blues)
a morning spent in the company of work surrounded by coffee cups. a long phonecall with sarah...we pondered and speculated about the future...and i think
i'm getting a little more excited every day.
andy is watching *another* clint eastwood film. and i half expect clint himself to walk through the door, striding purposefully toward the fire escape and generally exuding cowboyness. the flat is filled with the sounds of spaghetti western music and galloping horses, gunshots and shouting. westerns are chaos, i think...
does that make them exciting?
a morning spent in the company of work surrounded by coffee cups. a long phonecall with sarah...we pondered and speculated about the future...and i think
i'm getting a little more excited every day.
andy is watching *another* clint eastwood film. and i half expect clint himself to walk through the door, striding purposefully toward the fire escape and generally exuding cowboyness. the flat is filled with the sounds of spaghetti western music and galloping horses, gunshots and shouting. westerns are chaos, i think...
does that make them exciting?
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
(life to the power of three)
i was pondering as i walked onto campus to pray this morning (listening to surrender by vineyard) how beautiful spring is. beauty in the beholders eye. the freshness in the air (it was early morning) and the daffodils...the green and horses in the field that we can see from the living room window.
today was a pretty day, made even more pretty by the new red shoes i bought on a spur-of-the-moment visit to newcastle. and walking home in the late afternoon sunshine with the smell of summer in the air and the church bells ringing joyfully. it was quintessential england and i loved it.
so, a day spent in the presence of God...and you know? it still feels blessed, even now.
i was pondering as i walked onto campus to pray this morning (listening to surrender by vineyard) how beautiful spring is. beauty in the beholders eye. the freshness in the air (it was early morning) and the daffodils...the green and horses in the field that we can see from the living room window.
today was a pretty day, made even more pretty by the new red shoes i bought on a spur-of-the-moment visit to newcastle. and walking home in the late afternoon sunshine with the smell of summer in the air and the church bells ringing joyfully. it was quintessential england and i loved it.
so, a day spent in the presence of God...and you know? it still feels blessed, even now.
Monday, March 24, 2003
(queen of the slipstream)
i have discovered that caroline is an x-files fascist.
beware, because your inner fascist is dangerously near the surface. who knows what might trigger it?
today is a day of gingerbread and spices, and dreaming myself nearer the sea. van morrison and the anticpation of the oscars tonight.
i hope my contentedness lasts.
i have discovered that caroline is an x-files fascist.
beware, because your inner fascist is dangerously near the surface. who knows what might trigger it?
today is a day of gingerbread and spices, and dreaming myself nearer the sea. van morrison and the anticpation of the oscars tonight.
i hope my contentedness lasts.
Sunday, March 23, 2003
(i've been up all night, and i might sleep all day)
the morning (afternoon) after the night before...and i did not imagine how tired i would be. i watched the sky get lighter in varying degrees of beauty and i thought: there is so much we do not know about God.
i would do it all again in an instant.
it is a beautiful day...and we cannot hide from it.
and amongst this, the war in iraq presses on with increasing casualties. how far have we come, as human beings, when we still have war? you have to wonder.
the morning (afternoon) after the night before...and i did not imagine how tired i would be. i watched the sky get lighter in varying degrees of beauty and i thought: there is so much we do not know about God.
i would do it all again in an instant.
it is a beautiful day...and we cannot hide from it.
and amongst this, the war in iraq presses on with increasing casualties. how far have we come, as human beings, when we still have war? you have to wonder.
Saturday, March 22, 2003
(twentyfourseven)
we're waiting, and preparing, and drinking lots of coffee.
i'm excited. communion with the saints. GOD. not an emotion, a stir within us, but a power, a marvel beyond us, tearing the world apart...[abraham heschel]
hallelujah
we're waiting, and preparing, and drinking lots of coffee.
i'm excited. communion with the saints. GOD. not an emotion, a stir within us, but a power, a marvel beyond us, tearing the world apart...[abraham heschel]
hallelujah
(lazy saturdays)
...are a thing of the past, i think. still. the time will come when i can sleep til noon and sit outside on the grass (summer!) and read all the books i want to. i will no longer be cooped up inside. no longer a geek.
well, four out of five isn't bad.
a break from the relentlessness of my world.
...are a thing of the past, i think. still. the time will come when i can sleep til noon and sit outside on the grass (summer!) and read all the books i want to. i will no longer be cooped up inside. no longer a geek.
well, four out of five isn't bad.
a break from the relentlessness of my world.
Friday, March 21, 2003
(when war comes)
i think we all notice. however, i'm not sure that we are changed. i watched the bombs fall on iraq and i thought: i have no idea what it is to live through this.
and now i have drunk enough red wine to deal with the thoughts in my head. anger. and fear. distrust of the world. i am not even sure why i am posting these ideas...these musings...these children in my head. but they are shared with you, and it is now your decision to react.
i think...and i rage...and i am still me.
yearning and longing to make a difference. to affect change, somehow. in some way. and this year, i think, will be not only a season of love but a time of change. we are on the cusp of something. we don't know what it is. but change will come. manna from heaven. direction.
peace, in these oil-hungry war-hungry times.
i'm not sure how today ends.
i think we all notice. however, i'm not sure that we are changed. i watched the bombs fall on iraq and i thought: i have no idea what it is to live through this.
and now i have drunk enough red wine to deal with the thoughts in my head. anger. and fear. distrust of the world. i am not even sure why i am posting these ideas...these musings...these children in my head. but they are shared with you, and it is now your decision to react.
i think...and i rage...and i am still me.
yearning and longing to make a difference. to affect change, somehow. in some way. and this year, i think, will be not only a season of love but a time of change. we are on the cusp of something. we don't know what it is. but change will come. manna from heaven. direction.
peace, in these oil-hungry war-hungry times.
i'm not sure how today ends.
(quiet is the new loud)
this morning we have been quiet...reflective concern. work, and war, and weariness. a morning of reading about organised protest. social movements. change. a channel for righteous anger. not settling for mediocrity.
i am listening to the kings of convenience's quiet beauty and smiling at the sunshine.
this morning we have been quiet...reflective concern. work, and war, and weariness. a morning of reading about organised protest. social movements. change. a channel for righteous anger. not settling for mediocrity.
i am listening to the kings of convenience's quiet beauty and smiling at the sunshine.
(the precedent)
it's funny how quickly exceptions become precedents. how quickly abnormal things are justified. how simple things get confused.
the radio still talks about war. i'm not sure what i expected...
but the people. what of the people who are affected? who will speak for them?
it's funny how quickly exceptions become precedents. how quickly abnormal things are justified. how simple things get confused.
the radio still talks about war. i'm not sure what i expected...
but the people. what of the people who are affected? who will speak for them?
Thursday, March 20, 2003
(order and chaos)
chaos in the world, it seems, and the massive airstrikes have begun...i wonder, do the individuals who are loved ever figure in political thought? brianne and i were talking earlier...about the people who die every day...the people who are the last members of their family...who own nothing and who are not noticed by us...by the West...you. and me.
it is not right.
order in my head, however, as things begin to slot into place. calmness descends as altars are torn down. an evening of re-ordering my priorities and God ironing out the wrinkles...pictures from heaven. when that picture happens, it will be beautiful...when. not if.
the music in my head makes the me part of myself feel more like the me i want to be. (david gray lost songs...a break from today)
chaos in the world, it seems, and the massive airstrikes have begun...i wonder, do the individuals who are loved ever figure in political thought? brianne and i were talking earlier...about the people who die every day...the people who are the last members of their family...who own nothing and who are not noticed by us...by the West...you. and me.
it is not right.
order in my head, however, as things begin to slot into place. calmness descends as altars are torn down. an evening of re-ordering my priorities and God ironing out the wrinkles...pictures from heaven. when that picture happens, it will be beautiful...when. not if.
the music in my head makes the me part of myself feel more like the me i want to be. (david gray lost songs...a break from today)
(and so it begins)
but it seems that life goes on. the world keeps on spinning around the sun, and deadlines still have to be met. this feels...weird...
and yesterday was like summer...the sun hanging in a hazy sky. boys playing football outside my window. sunshine and music outside. i have the urge to walk on the cool northern irish sand of white park bay and cushendun, and feel the sea in my hair.
for now, dreams will have to do.
but it seems that life goes on. the world keeps on spinning around the sun, and deadlines still have to be met. this feels...weird...
and yesterday was like summer...the sun hanging in a hazy sky. boys playing football outside my window. sunshine and music outside. i have the urge to walk on the cool northern irish sand of white park bay and cushendun, and feel the sea in my hair.
for now, dreams will have to do.
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
(today is whatever you want it to mean)
and today was certainly thought-provoking...resignations from the cabinet and international uproar...and you have to wonder...what don't we know? what haven't we been told?
the story behind the news coverage...the reality.
ultimatums and ordinary people...live ammunition and children painting fake missiles...the juxtaposition of shrub and hussein. love is hate. war is peace. no is yes.
you have to wonder.
and today was certainly thought-provoking...resignations from the cabinet and international uproar...and you have to wonder...what don't we know? what haven't we been told?
the story behind the news coverage...the reality.
ultimatums and ordinary people...live ammunition and children painting fake missiles...the juxtaposition of shrub and hussein. love is hate. war is peace. no is yes.
you have to wonder.
(fascism)
apparently, i am a fascist. my two main areas of fascism, according to brianne and andy, are coffee and music. but i object to the wrong kind of newspaper too. andy's areas of fascism reach far beyond mine, though. drinking coffee while walking and people who are stupid and films and sandwiches and eating habits. brianne, on the other hand, is a fairness fascist. no matter what your point is, she will always find and articulate the flip side. always.
...i think we're all fascist, each in our own way.
but it's these times that i love, late at night standing in the doorway, bickering good-naturedly.
i will miss this, when it's gone.
apparently, i am a fascist. my two main areas of fascism, according to brianne and andy, are coffee and music. but i object to the wrong kind of newspaper too. andy's areas of fascism reach far beyond mine, though. drinking coffee while walking and people who are stupid and films and sandwiches and eating habits. brianne, on the other hand, is a fairness fascist. no matter what your point is, she will always find and articulate the flip side. always.
...i think we're all fascist, each in our own way.
but it's these times that i love, late at night standing in the doorway, bickering good-naturedly.
i will miss this, when it's gone.
Monday, March 17, 2003
(i wish i never saw the sunshine)
...because then i wouldn't mind the rain...
it felt like summer today...fresh air drifting into my room...cut grass and coconut.
somehow, war seems a very distant possibility...but i watched the news tonight and it is more real than it has ever been.
where did it come from?
i don't know.
how did we get here?
nobody knows how to go back.
...because then i wouldn't mind the rain...
it felt like summer today...fresh air drifting into my room...cut grass and coconut.
somehow, war seems a very distant possibility...but i watched the news tonight and it is more real than it has ever been.
where did it come from?
i don't know.
how did we get here?
nobody knows how to go back.
(happy st patrick's day)
somehow, in my work-rehearse-work-read-type-worry-rehearse-dissertation bubble i did not notice the world falling apart outside my borders...america has spoken, it seems...the great and powerful oz of the twentyfirst century...maybe, america is just a man behind a curtain pressing buttons...creating noise and smoke and fear...
maybe.
so, today is the day of reckoning. a day of working and email conversations and attempting to clean the freezer (a diet coke exploded)...war seems very far away.
maybe war will always be far away.
somehow, in my work-rehearse-work-read-type-worry-rehearse-dissertation bubble i did not notice the world falling apart outside my borders...america has spoken, it seems...the great and powerful oz of the twentyfirst century...maybe, america is just a man behind a curtain pressing buttons...creating noise and smoke and fear...
maybe.
so, today is the day of reckoning. a day of working and email conversations and attempting to clean the freezer (a diet coke exploded)...war seems very far away.
maybe war will always be far away.
Sunday, March 16, 2003
(10,000 maniacs)
a morning spent at my computer...striving and struggling for the right words...somehow, i thought it would be effortless...somehow i thought it would be easier...somehow, i thought it would be different.
on the plus side, i discovered 10,000 maniacs, and i rejoiced in the change it brought. and now i listen to the be good tanyas who urge me to "keep it light enough to travel"...and i wonder what the full consequences of that statement are...
i dreamed i saw you down at the corner store.
a morning spent at my computer...striving and struggling for the right words...somehow, i thought it would be effortless...somehow i thought it would be easier...somehow, i thought it would be different.
on the plus side, i discovered 10,000 maniacs, and i rejoiced in the change it brought. and now i listen to the be good tanyas who urge me to "keep it light enough to travel"...and i wonder what the full consequences of that statement are...
i dreamed i saw you down at the corner store.
Saturday, March 15, 2003
(You are my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer)
my very present Help in time of need...
and i got through today. and i know that it was because of You...You were in the sunset as i walked home after an exhausting afternoon of rehearsals...You were the voice in my head prompting me to harmonise and sing and praise You with my voice. You. You were the reason i woke up this morning...and every morning...You, the beginning and the end. the alpha and omega...the first and the last...
i will slip into sleep knowing that my heavenly father is taking care of me...
o yes, He is.
my very present Help in time of need...
and i got through today. and i know that it was because of You...You were in the sunset as i walked home after an exhausting afternoon of rehearsals...You were the voice in my head prompting me to harmonise and sing and praise You with my voice. You. You were the reason i woke up this morning...and every morning...You, the beginning and the end. the alpha and omega...the first and the last...
i will slip into sleep knowing that my heavenly father is taking care of me...
o yes, He is.
(y'all ready to settle down...and get with it?)
i love saturdays...even when morning always comes round too soon...the quiet, the peace, the freshness of a new day without any failures in it yet...
even the laundrette was a calming experience this morning. i was...lost...in the mundaneness of things.
but that was okay. we joke about "another day, another dollar"...i think the times when each day was different are long gone.
maybe next year. when i have time.
i love saturdays...even when morning always comes round too soon...the quiet, the peace, the freshness of a new day without any failures in it yet...
even the laundrette was a calming experience this morning. i was...lost...in the mundaneness of things.
but that was okay. we joke about "another day, another dollar"...i think the times when each day was different are long gone.
maybe next year. when i have time.
Friday, March 14, 2003
(sounds like...)
i was thinking, in these last hours before bed, about my soundtrack...the one i have playing in my head at all those strategic points in my life. you smile, nod, you have one too. tell me about your sounds.
i hear choral music...i hear growing up to van morrison and jimi hendrix...i hear vidor's tocata and i dream about the day i might leave a church, somewhere, with joy in my heart and a marriage ahead of me...i dream music. i hear alanis morissette played loud...i hear the cranberries whispering across years and bringing back floods of memories...scratches on vinyl. the lemonheads remind me of being around, back when i was fifteen and i wanted to rebel but never had the guts. listening to tapes (back when all we had were tapes) late at night when everyone else was asleep. youth choir. brian kennedy taught me folk tunes and i was scarcely aware of it until i left ireland...christmas carols and counting crows...mary mary made me thankful and made me want to dance...i hear me sitting in a tent in an armagh field singing kiss me . i did not mean it then...and i'm not sure about now. i even hear dance zone 94, back in the days when my taste blipped and i wanted to be popular...and those songs still make me smile. and now? i hear the shipping forecast and today in parliament...i hear dido and aqualung and counting crows...i hear plumb reminding me of a drive from leeds to somerset in norma jean...i still hear van morrison. kate rusby lulling me to sleep. i hear moby...i hear norah jones and ginny owens. low and red house painters and julie lee. the beat goes on. a small segment of the sounds i hear in my head.
what are the sounds that you hear? the sounds that make the you part of yourself more like who you want to be.
i sit at my computer in a quiet flat and i do not think about tomorrow.
i was thinking, in these last hours before bed, about my soundtrack...the one i have playing in my head at all those strategic points in my life. you smile, nod, you have one too. tell me about your sounds.
i hear choral music...i hear growing up to van morrison and jimi hendrix...i hear vidor's tocata and i dream about the day i might leave a church, somewhere, with joy in my heart and a marriage ahead of me...i dream music. i hear alanis morissette played loud...i hear the cranberries whispering across years and bringing back floods of memories...scratches on vinyl. the lemonheads remind me of being around, back when i was fifteen and i wanted to rebel but never had the guts. listening to tapes (back when all we had were tapes) late at night when everyone else was asleep. youth choir. brian kennedy taught me folk tunes and i was scarcely aware of it until i left ireland...christmas carols and counting crows...mary mary made me thankful and made me want to dance...i hear me sitting in a tent in an armagh field singing kiss me . i did not mean it then...and i'm not sure about now. i even hear dance zone 94, back in the days when my taste blipped and i wanted to be popular...and those songs still make me smile. and now? i hear the shipping forecast and today in parliament...i hear dido and aqualung and counting crows...i hear plumb reminding me of a drive from leeds to somerset in norma jean...i still hear van morrison. kate rusby lulling me to sleep. i hear moby...i hear norah jones and ginny owens. low and red house painters and julie lee. the beat goes on. a small segment of the sounds i hear in my head.
what are the sounds that you hear? the sounds that make the you part of yourself more like who you want to be.
i sit at my computer in a quiet flat and i do not think about tomorrow.
(is everybody happy now...is everybody clear...)
we could drive out to the dunes tonight...
go outside and look at the sky...marvel at the scale and size...you could be up all night and still not see all of it...marvel at how small you are...be amazed. now let your dreams dare to be that big...dare to believe you can achieve them. believe them, and they are yours to hold in your hand.
i'd never seen a plane go past the moon til tonight...and the exhaust trail made a beautiful pattern in the sky...i marvelled, and was not afraid.
we could drive out to the dunes tonight...
go outside and look at the sky...marvel at the scale and size...you could be up all night and still not see all of it...marvel at how small you are...be amazed. now let your dreams dare to be that big...dare to believe you can achieve them. believe them, and they are yours to hold in your hand.
i'd never seen a plane go past the moon til tonight...and the exhaust trail made a beautiful pattern in the sky...i marvelled, and was not afraid.
(God's going to trouble the water)
an afternoon of sunshine and coffeebreaks and laughter...the satisfaction of an essay completed and the chill feeling of work left incomplete...
it feels like spring is here, and it feels like we don't have weekends anymore...
lately most of my sentences have started with the words "maybe next year. when i have time"...and i always seem to be happier in the sunshine.
an afternoon of sunshine and coffeebreaks and laughter...the satisfaction of an essay completed and the chill feeling of work left incomplete...
it feels like spring is here, and it feels like we don't have weekends anymore...
lately most of my sentences have started with the words "maybe next year. when i have time"...and i always seem to be happier in the sunshine.
Thursday, March 13, 2003
chris showed me this article online...something tells me we should be listening to bono when he speaks.
we need to work on our indifference.
we need to work on our indifference.
(the skyline, baby, is bright tonight)
today passed...and tomorrow will come...and the world will keep on spinning around the sun...and i will keep being me. i walked home listening to the sneaker pimps as the sun was setting...i looked at the brightness in the clouds for so long that my eyes saw pink wherever i looked...it was disconcerting at first, and then i thought of girlfriend in a coma where jared shows linus what heaven is like...and linus is blind for the next week...
heaven is that amazing.
gospel choir and bernice johnson reagon was right when she wrote that "i cannot sing without experiencing a change in my mood, a change in the way i feel..."...i felt different this side of the singing than i did before we started...i sing because i'm happy...i sing because i'm free...His eye is on the sparrow...and i know He watches over me.
today passed...and tomorrow will come...and the world will keep on spinning around the sun...and i will keep being me. i walked home listening to the sneaker pimps as the sun was setting...i looked at the brightness in the clouds for so long that my eyes saw pink wherever i looked...it was disconcerting at first, and then i thought of girlfriend in a coma where jared shows linus what heaven is like...and linus is blind for the next week...
heaven is that amazing.
gospel choir and bernice johnson reagon was right when she wrote that "i cannot sing without experiencing a change in my mood, a change in the way i feel..."...i felt different this side of the singing than i did before we started...i sing because i'm happy...i sing because i'm free...His eye is on the sparrow...and i know He watches over me.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
(you are a stiff drink and i am on call)
...i was almost overwhelmed by a longing to not be here...to leave, to run, to dodge work and responsibilities...to curl myself into a defensive ball and try to de-stretch myself...
and so i looked at photographs of home...of the sea...and i longed to be there. just for a while. just to escape. just to feel.
just to stop over-analysing...
...i was almost overwhelmed by a longing to not be here...to leave, to run, to dodge work and responsibilities...to curl myself into a defensive ball and try to de-stretch myself...
and so i looked at photographs of home...of the sea...and i longed to be there. just for a while. just to escape. just to feel.
just to stop over-analysing...
(reckoning)
a morning of listening to ani di franco and reading about freedom...freedom and struggle and the strength of women in the face of great opposition...and i talked with jill way over there and again i wondered about distance...does the internet really bring us closer together? or do we somehow lose the ability to relate to the souls behind faces? or is it the face to face we struggle with and the souls connect in spite of us?
do we even have a choice?
the rest of the day looms, full of coffee and distracted conversations and work...
"there is something i feel when sound runs through my body. i cannot sing without experiencing a change in my mood, a change in the way i feel...that is a major function of singing. people come to singing because of how they feel in it and on the other side of the song..."
and so i will go and worship with my singing.
a morning of listening to ani di franco and reading about freedom...freedom and struggle and the strength of women in the face of great opposition...and i talked with jill way over there and again i wondered about distance...does the internet really bring us closer together? or do we somehow lose the ability to relate to the souls behind faces? or is it the face to face we struggle with and the souls connect in spite of us?
do we even have a choice?
the rest of the day looms, full of coffee and distracted conversations and work...
"there is something i feel when sound runs through my body. i cannot sing without experiencing a change in my mood, a change in the way i feel...that is a major function of singing. people come to singing because of how they feel in it and on the other side of the song..."
and so i will go and worship with my singing.
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
(it's raining in baltimore, fifty miles east)
...and as adam duritz sings, my heart agrees...i wish it was a small world...and i'm lonely for the big towns...and i'd like to hear a little guitar...
i wonder what raincoat he sings of...does it protect him from his storms?
one for sorrow, two for joy, three for girls and four for boys...five for silver, six for gold, seven for secrets never to be told all your life...
when i open up my wings to speak...i will try to let you in.
...and as adam duritz sings, my heart agrees...i wish it was a small world...and i'm lonely for the big towns...and i'd like to hear a little guitar...
i wonder what raincoat he sings of...does it protect him from his storms?
one for sorrow, two for joy, three for girls and four for boys...five for silver, six for gold, seven for secrets never to be told all your life...
when i open up my wings to speak...i will try to let you in.
(when the long day is over)
...and yet today is still the same day even though it seems forever since this morning...today was...grey. and i'm sure that had to do with a lack of sleep...and clocking up some library time...and the weather...but when email is the only respite from the blandness of things, something should give.
...and yet today is still the same day even though it seems forever since this morning...today was...grey. and i'm sure that had to do with a lack of sleep...and clocking up some library time...and the weather...but when email is the only respite from the blandness of things, something should give.
Monday, March 10, 2003
(storms)
brianne showed me this poem and it is beautiful.
we can weather storms.
Storms
Margie DeMerell
There will be storms, child
There will be storms
And with each tempest
You will seem to stand alone
Against cruel winds
But with time, the rage and the fury
Shall subside
And when the sky clears
You will find yourself
Clinging to someone
You would have never known
But for storms.
brianne showed me this poem and it is beautiful.
we can weather storms.
Storms
Margie DeMerell
There will be storms, child
There will be storms
And with each tempest
You will seem to stand alone
Against cruel winds
But with time, the rage and the fury
Shall subside
And when the sky clears
You will find yourself
Clinging to someone
You would have never known
But for storms.
(hallelujah)
jeff buckley whispers grace...and my thoughts collide happily with one another after a day spent in the company of angels...today, i am less worried, i am less anxious and there seems to be a lack of all the other things that have been colliding with each other in my head. today, i shopped and had peace...today was a good day. i seem not to be struggling...whatever edge i was walking seems to have receded, or maybe i have stepped over the edge...unaware.
this unawareness once would have worried me. now, i am glad to step back from striving and the relentlessness of edgewalking. still, i am distracted from myself and i am taken unawares all over again by grace.
kisses from heaven. the reason why i am who i am. why i live and breathe and have my being.
and slowly, i begin to trust.
jeff buckley whispers grace...and my thoughts collide happily with one another after a day spent in the company of angels...today, i am less worried, i am less anxious and there seems to be a lack of all the other things that have been colliding with each other in my head. today, i shopped and had peace...today was a good day. i seem not to be struggling...whatever edge i was walking seems to have receded, or maybe i have stepped over the edge...unaware.
this unawareness once would have worried me. now, i am glad to step back from striving and the relentlessness of edgewalking. still, i am distracted from myself and i am taken unawares all over again by grace.
kisses from heaven. the reason why i am who i am. why i live and breathe and have my being.
and slowly, i begin to trust.
Friday, March 07, 2003
(to me, You're strange and You're beautiful)
...and i don't ever want to fall out of love with You...a day of wrestling and humility...of Truth spoken...of love lavishly poured out. i stood on the motorway bridge and i wept because You know me inside out...
You have searched me and You know me
You know when i sit and when i rise
You percieve my thoughts from afar
You discern my going out and my sleeping
You are familiar with all my ways
before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely...
You hem me in - behind and before
You have laid Your hand upon me
such knowledge is too wonderful for me
too lofty to attain...
where can i go from Your spirit?
where can i run from Your presence?
if i rise to the sky, You are there
if i go underground, You are there
if i rise on the wings of the morning, You are there
if i settle on the far side of the sea,
even there Your hand will guide me
Your hand will hold me fast...
...for darkness is as light to You...
...i praise You because i am fearfully and wonderfully made...
You are wonderful...this, i can be sure of...
singing blessings in the freezing cold...i am amazed at how big this world is...how small i am...yet i am Known. though i am anxious and searching, i am Known...though i trip and stumble You will not let me slip...
and You remain strange and beautiful...
...and i don't ever want to fall out of love with You...a day of wrestling and humility...of Truth spoken...of love lavishly poured out. i stood on the motorway bridge and i wept because You know me inside out...
You have searched me and You know me
You know when i sit and when i rise
You percieve my thoughts from afar
You discern my going out and my sleeping
You are familiar with all my ways
before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely...
You hem me in - behind and before
You have laid Your hand upon me
such knowledge is too wonderful for me
too lofty to attain...
where can i go from Your spirit?
where can i run from Your presence?
if i rise to the sky, You are there
if i go underground, You are there
if i rise on the wings of the morning, You are there
if i settle on the far side of the sea,
even there Your hand will guide me
Your hand will hold me fast...
...for darkness is as light to You...
...i praise You because i am fearfully and wonderfully made...
You are wonderful...this, i can be sure of...
singing blessings in the freezing cold...i am amazed at how big this world is...how small i am...yet i am Known. though i am anxious and searching, i am Known...though i trip and stumble You will not let me slip...
and You remain strange and beautiful...
Thursday, March 06, 2003
(i am what i am)
walking back from gospel choir and the sky was heavy with stars...the gospel in creation and God speaking in a multitude of stars...this morning seems like a different day...has so much happened that i was not aware of?
i was lifted on the singing tonight...my heart was glad because we were in harmony...we were together...unified with one purpose...
and we sang of measuring a life in love...we sang of seasons of love...and i have the feeling this will be a season of immeasurable love...of promises made and promises kept...of joy and sadness and tears...a season of love.
a multitude of stars...the sky seems so overwhelming and i cannot even see all of it...and yet we are worth more than many sparrows...
walking back from gospel choir and the sky was heavy with stars...the gospel in creation and God speaking in a multitude of stars...this morning seems like a different day...has so much happened that i was not aware of?
i was lifted on the singing tonight...my heart was glad because we were in harmony...we were together...unified with one purpose...
and we sang of measuring a life in love...we sang of seasons of love...and i have the feeling this will be a season of immeasurable love...of promises made and promises kept...of joy and sadness and tears...a season of love.
a multitude of stars...the sky seems so overwhelming and i cannot even see all of it...and yet we are worth more than many sparrows...
(sweetest decline)
another day wastes away and my heart sinks with the sun...i watched the sun set through the trees outside the chapel...and people stared and wondered why we weren't busy enough...caroline and me decided not to care and we marvelled at the beauty of the sky...the angel light made us both beautiful and we talked about poems we loved and how a poem is the coming together of words in exactly the right order...poetry changes us and makes us weep. and i went inside and praised God because of His creation.
and now i listen to the news and my heart aches because of the way the world is...sarah masen sang that "hope is coming out tonight" and i'm wondering where hope is in all of this...i think back to what Jade said this evening and i marvel at the hope dwelling in me...
today, i worshipped and prayed in communion with the saints...
and my heart lifted.
another day wastes away and my heart sinks with the sun...i watched the sun set through the trees outside the chapel...and people stared and wondered why we weren't busy enough...caroline and me decided not to care and we marvelled at the beauty of the sky...the angel light made us both beautiful and we talked about poems we loved and how a poem is the coming together of words in exactly the right order...poetry changes us and makes us weep. and i went inside and praised God because of His creation.
and now i listen to the news and my heart aches because of the way the world is...sarah masen sang that "hope is coming out tonight" and i'm wondering where hope is in all of this...i think back to what Jade said this evening and i marvel at the hope dwelling in me...
today, i worshipped and prayed in communion with the saints...
and my heart lifted.
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
(truly madly deeply)
and again dylan thomas reassured me that death shall have no dominion...coincidence? or fate? or something outside of these two...?
God at work in the smallest of ways. and somehow to me, small is not insignificant. i read psalm 139 and i marvel at how much i am loved...and known...and appreciated...and amazing.
and death shall have no dominion because it was conquered long ago.
and again dylan thomas reassured me that death shall have no dominion...coincidence? or fate? or something outside of these two...?
God at work in the smallest of ways. and somehow to me, small is not insignificant. i read psalm 139 and i marvel at how much i am loved...and known...and appreciated...and amazing.
and death shall have no dominion because it was conquered long ago.
(solaris)
i have been puzzled since, listening to music to fill the silences of thought that pre-occupied my day. something in me did not understand...and something in me is restless. today was one of those days...where everything and nothing goes wrong...when getting caught in the rain is the icing on the cake and you wrestle inside with...something...and you think you should be feeling differently to the way you are.
jacob wrestled with an angel of God...maybe He can shed some light on this...
and i searched for dylan thomas and found that death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Through they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.
the cranberries sing in the background and i try to distract myself from me.
i have been puzzled since, listening to music to fill the silences of thought that pre-occupied my day. something in me did not understand...and something in me is restless. today was one of those days...where everything and nothing goes wrong...when getting caught in the rain is the icing on the cake and you wrestle inside with...something...and you think you should be feeling differently to the way you are.
jacob wrestled with an angel of God...maybe He can shed some light on this...
and i searched for dylan thomas and found that death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Through they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.
the cranberries sing in the background and i try to distract myself from me.
Saturday, March 01, 2003
(rainbow promises)
another afternoon of some serious weather...thunder and lightning and cloudbursts...and then suddenly the clouds moved and the sun was like a nuclear explosion. we all put on sunglasses even though we were inside...and brianne joked about the end of the world.
who knows what it might be like?
and from another window, a rainbow that stretched almost as far as you could see...
"never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth".
a rainbow. a promise. protection...
we are immeasurably loved.
another afternoon of some serious weather...thunder and lightning and cloudbursts...and then suddenly the clouds moved and the sun was like a nuclear explosion. we all put on sunglasses even though we were inside...and brianne joked about the end of the world.
who knows what it might be like?
and from another window, a rainbow that stretched almost as far as you could see...
"never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth".
a rainbow. a promise. protection...
we are immeasurably loved.
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